Sunday, June 30, 2013

soul-crushing but also: target!

i fell ill today.  with, ya know, the PMS.

please don't stop reading.  it's not about that.

but i do have to say...the bloat is REAL.  and can i ask you all a personal question?  why, why must we purchase tampons?  like it's our choice to get them?  shouldn't necessary needs be separated from wants and just given to us like air and water?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------anyhoo.

i experienced a real soul-sucker today.  besides the early onset PMS and apparently blabbermouth.  but also, i finished a tv series.  every episode of psych...finished, done.  the last three months of my life (seven seasons?  in three months?  impossible?! you say?  think again.) have vanished.  and it's devastating.

i just rolled around my house swaddled in a blanket with a mug full of tea.  thinking about what was next.  the hills?  finished.  one tree hill?  done.  what's next for me.  what do people do that don't have their tv?  crafting?  knitting?  aligning chakra or retiring to an old amish community?  i just feel so lost.

but then i went to target.  and everything's okay.  because let me tell you something, whoever runs target...knows america.  they know.  every time i go i just have to let out a little conspiratorial chuckle because i get you target, i totally get you.

like the shirt i already own in three colors is now in floral print, say whaaaaaaat?  ok, i'll take two my homie!  overpriced bags of candy set out at the entrance of the store with a red sign reading SALE?  make a clean sweep of those shelves!

target makes a needer out of me.  and that's a horrible example.  because pretty much anything with a price tag makes a needer out of me.  but target will make anyone -- even the well-mannered, low-budget stay-at-home mom with fear of taking care of herself first -- become a needer.  i kid you not, walk into a target and find one person with empty hands.  and if you find them, follow them around the store, because they will not be leaving that way!  i promise you.

target is such a sneaky mistress.  (i think that was a typo but i'm gonna leave it because wtf............)  it gets me in ways that no one does.

so all soul-sucking and PMSing aside, target made today a pretty fantastic one.

and if you have any tv suggestions, send them my way, and fast.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

brad-isms: lessons from my pops


::good things in life should be celebrated. ie: chocolate, almonds, and perry mason reruns.
::one should always sing the idaho state song when entering or exiting the land of potatoes.
::everything is better when you sprinkle a little salt on it. even salt makes raw potatoes taste like cuisine. (i do not by any means claim to agree with any statements listed)
::it's better to be late than to be careless and reckless.
::be nice to your friends even when they're not nice to you.
::humor is funny and fun is funny but neither are funny when they're at the expense of others.
::roller coasters are never to be ridden on a full stomach but are always to be ridden with gusto and excitement and lots and lots of fear.
::no amount of hairspray could be too much when you are weathering wind, rain, and heaven forbid, people trying to mess it up.
::working in the kitchen is a lot less taxing when you can do it with a song and a dance.
and
::be nice to people and laugh a lot because life is to be enjoyed.

happy dad's day

Friday, June 14, 2013

self-realization & terrifying discoveries


::i love tv. all of it. i'm a trashy tv-watching fiend i tell you. good grief i love those reality shows.
::i have an unhealthy obsession with justin bieber. and i'm not ashamed at all. i love a lot of weird indie music too (which i think makes me cool?) but at the very center of my ipod and soul you will find a relentless love for justin bieber: deluxe editions, live tracks, and collaborations so obscure you have probably never heard of the black rapper spitting the bridge. belieber nation runs deep you guys.
::i'm a diet coke drinker and refiller and sip-stealer and i don't care, i just wanna make a pit stop at mcdick's no matter what i'm doing.
::i love to read. and not because i like learning or filling my brain with new things but because i like to read words on a page and form ideas about them and create things out of them and because i am weird. (ps, you need to all read the fault in our stars. i was crying like an infant. at work. in my cubicle.)
::i am obsessed with lipstick. so much so that most people i know have not seen me without it.
::if i were a food, i would be sushi. like nothing you'd ever seen before. a little bit offensive at first. off-putting. fishy. but one of those things that just grows on you and ends up being the best discovery you've ever had. or something you hate so much you will never even look at again. although i think i'd rather be ice cream.
::i'm one of those neutral on most things, firm on very few things kind of people. like the kardashians for instance. they are all my favorite. and with kanye as the newest kardashian, my mind is even more in a jumble. but i'm very neutral on things is what i'm saying. besides like, bic pens, burt's bees chapstick, hugs running at 3 seconds or less, and painted nails. making me realize i have got a LOT of useless opinions.

happy weekend peeps

Thursday, June 13, 2013

things i'd like my nieces to know


"Do your thing and don't care if they like it."
Tina Fey

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
Marilyn Monroe

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with."
Michael Jackson

"A rose can never be a sunflower, and a sunflower can never be a rose. All flowers are beautiful in their own way, and that's like women too. I want to encourage women to embrace their own uniqueness."
Miranda Kerr

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

a harsh dose of reality brought to you by life


can't life be a real downer, you guys? maybe i'm just feeling this way because (a.) hump day? what the. (b.) it's the best day outside and i'm stuck in my below freezing workplace (c.) my dirty hair propensity is really getting out of hand and (d.) i have spent more on my car in the past week than i've ever spent on anything in my life and good gosh, you guys car business can get ugly!

last weekend eden's friend from vegas came to experience the provo life and we showed her what we're all about the best way we know how: with some police activity, what what! i guess you could say we were moderately impressed with her middle school woes of drug busts and shootings, subconsciously. cause we put up a pretty good fight with a shady parking enforcer, called the cops, put on our best innocent faces, and two hours later, left feeling just as down. damn the justice system!

in other car blues, i was out and about having a classic summer day in my A/C lacking car with my buds, cruising to some tunes, feeling super cool and powerful and hoorah it's summer!, when okay, the car started shaking. and i'm not talking a little quiver. it was shaking with all its might and you guys, i've never laughed so hard. it was terrifying and hilarious and horrible all at once and now i have a fixed A/C and a no longer convulsing vehicle, but i am out $400 so d a r n is an understatement.

things cost money, everyone! lots of money! this is life! i am revolting! why can't we all give of our services and objects out of the goodness of our own hearts! what happened to charity! to goodness! to mankind!

hump day. how sick.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

the weekday hangover::aka june

oh, why hello june! june. june. what does june even mean. i am all excited and happy about five days into june but why? may was vacations and season finales and shopping trips. but june! june means birthday parties and concerts and sno-cone sippin and hoo-rah you guys i'm excited!

i know i'm five days late (but not lacking in excitement and exclamation points and "you guys"!!!!!!) but we've made it past may and overcome the rain storms and the location change of el azteca and the series finale of the office. hooray!

i can already feel june being a good one. i've caught up on ellen, and the bachelorette, and so you think you can dance, and kuwtk -- but that's neither here nor there -- and made a lot of target runs, and mcdonald's pit stops, and played with my nieces...so i think june is just a word for "an excessive amount of all of my favorite things" and i am digging it.

speaking of my nieces...w h o wants to hear about them again?!?!?! woo hooooooo!!!!!!!!! madelinnie turned 3 this week. like are you serious. sometimes i think she's still an infant (which merits some punches in the face and "don't call me baby"'s) and other times she's 15 and my best friend because she says things like, "ah, nuts" and loves dance parties and eating treats but at other times she's 85 and gives me advice like the always belittling and demeaning but oh so inspiring, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit, erica." so basically 3 is a quite confusing birthday for me. oh how i love little m.

what with all the partying and shopping and eating and exclaiming (apparently), june is looking good. and giving me that thing. the tired, sleepy, grumpy, stay up late, work all day, thing. it's grim. but june is WORTH IT...you guys!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

a series of miscellaneous happenings

today is beautiful and horrible and wonderful all at once because i have unwashed hair but a new shirt and also the weather is the bomb but i also feel sleep-deprived and haven't had a diet coke and it's 11:31 am.

but i'm just here to say...life is gooooood. it.is.good. i had the day off yesterday and was reunited with eden in a mcdonald's which just felt so right because all i really need is my edie and some french fries.

but in the midst of this good good life with its pretty weather and new shirt and holy cow, sour straws! i have come to the conclusion that i think awkwardness just follows me around. it's like i have a target on my back and awkward things just aim at me and they always hit the bullseye and i end up searching for breath and most likely in a pile on the ground. but that's just a dramatic comparison to some pretty mediocre (but fabricated, you bet!) happenings.

a couple weeks ago i ran into my brother and sis-in-law at target. (birds of a feather you guys.) we chatted for a while and looked at funny nursing bras (k?) and then decided to go get frozen yogurt. (by the way, i have this condition where i tell people about things and then forget and end up asking them about it later and looking like a class-a fool. but basically, there's a menchie's in utah! in orem, in fact! though my brother claims i told him this months ago and am the reason he started going there...when he invited me to menchie's after target baby registering with his wife, i was bewildered and shocked and so so excited and thankful to him for informing me about the new place!) we were on our way out of target when my brother's wife ran into a friend, which happened probably 6+ times throughout the duration of our target outing. i assume that's kind of what being married to me will be like, in that i will see a lot of people i know, but very dissimilar in that i will hope they d o n t see me and will probably result in running away. that cami, she's a friendly one. anyway, we left her to her friends and went to check out. i had my stuff, the brother had is, we were just about finished when the cashier made a comment about the registering scanner my brother was holding. she said something about congrats looking at the both of us and i snorted and looked away. but if you know my brother, you know he would not let that fly. he was beet red and sweaty at the palms and flustered as can be trying to explain to this lady that we are not married, we are baby registering, and not baby registering because we are siblings, but he's not baby registering with his sister, he lost his wife somewhere else, and on and on and on and needless to say, we were there for a while.

on another note, are we all having babies? seriously, there are babies coming out of everyone! i feel anxious. are my eggs still in tact? (is that appropriate?) my very ovaries are in a twist just thinking about all of these cute kids! good grief! i saw some adorable miniature humans walking around campus with their parents the other day and about stopped breathing. like, hi beautiful creatures! you are perfect! their parents were showing them around their old stomping grounds i assume and i got to thinking, what will i show my kids? "and this is where i sat in a ball and cried after seeing the score of my final exam, and these are the donuts i ate every day, and here is the desk i openly drooled on at the age of 20." my future looks bleak you guys.

especially because on the longest trip ever back from arizona last week, i think i found my niche in a quaint little town near the outskirts of az. and by quaint i meant miserable. we stopped for gas and to run around with the toddler a bit and i have never felt more like a hot commodity in my life. there were whistles and hoots and growls and you guys, am i a movie star? i was literally wearing no makeup and people were treating me like the queen. i'll admit, i thought about a possibility in residency there. although i think the honeymoon would wear off when i started to dress like the locals (shirtless and hairy) and evidently lose all my teeth? the highlight might be the toothless wonder with the slicked back mullet driving in a circle around me in the parking lot while singing eminem's "without me" word for word in his toothless lisp. i deserve that kind of attention.

aaaaaand that's a wrap kids. here's to more awkwardness to come.